суббота, 18 октября 2008 г.

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I called my parents on the way home from the shop this evening. Near the end of the conversation, Iapos;m having a somewhat sentimental-ish moment with my mom about missing the family and both sides wanting to see the other soon... And then I realize something:

Nirvanaapos;s "Rape Me" was playing in the background.

I had to try so hard not to giggle or laugh until the conversation ended...

Anyway... At least I found it interesting and funny.

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I feel so tired, but I�canapos;t sleep. I feel so hungry too, but I barely eat.� Everyone says I�have a eating disorder. I�donapos;t have a eating disorder I really, really donapos;t. I just eat really, really little now probably because donapos;t have a apatite these days.
I feel so confused and lost about things.... But this time its a bit different. Iapos;m not that sure what it is or how its different from other times that I�felt confused and lost. Its just as if..... I lost the sight of how to live properly.





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Iapos;m really craving some breakfast for lunch. So, Iapos;m going to do that after I write this beautiful note. And it shall be beautiful... Like art.

Iapos;m a little sick of this whole being single thing. I mean, I know I should be content and whatnot, but Iapos;ve never had a real boyfriend and Iapos;m 22. Makes me wonder if Iapos;m doing something wrong, but I guess that God just hasnapos;t brought the right guy yet... Or enlightened the right guy about me just yet. Haha. Oh well

Had a special speaker for Cru last night. He was pretty good and I think Iapos;m going to invite him to come back sometime.

I totally had a killer test the other day identifying skulls. I was pretty good at getting the family right, but the genus and species were a little harder.

Iapos;ve just run out of things to say... So leave me some love to come back to. :)

~*~Shilo Elizabeth~*~

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October 17th, Friday

I need to write.It is rare that I can express myself without using my fingers on some kind of keys; the piano for rest and meditation; a keyboard for release and self-searching.The former was ineffective tonight, so I attempt the latter.

I feel the need to look back on my previous entries and give an update, but thatrsquo;s not going to happen tonight, except by relation to what I already have in mind to say.

I feel like Irsquo;ve totally screwed something up, then done gone and done it again and probably a third time here.I didnrsquo;t mean to, but couldnrsquo;t keep myself from doing otherwise.I canrsquo;t ignore for two consecutive moments my actions, the worries, the frustration that I feel inside, and the regret of what Irsquo;ve done.

I know you donrsquo;t hate me; I donrsquo;t hate you.

Tonight I found the perfect metaphor.A little Pomeranian stuck inside of a carrier, nobody around.It was so eager for me to stick my fingers through and scratch it a little behind the ears.�� As I let it thoroughly lick my fingers, I decided that I wasnrsquo;t much different from the little dog.

ldquo;Irsquo;m just like you,rdquo; I tell it, switching my fingers around so I can scratch a little behind its ears.ldquo;Trapped here, all alone.rdquo;It wants only to lick my fingers, so I let it.

ldquo;But my cage is my mind.I want so badly to escape.rdquo;I switch my fingers around again, trying unsuccessfully to return a little affection.ldquo;Or for someone to come and just reach through the bars.rdquo;When I stand up, the Pomeranian whines and paws at its cage, so I crouch down and love it a little more before regretfully leaving.I wanted so badly to take it out for one moment.It may be so simple for the dog to escape from the cage as to simply decide to.I observed that had it become desperate enough to violently shake the cage and loosen the latch, it might have escaped.

What I wanted to do so badly tonight I couldnrsquo;t.I shut myself out from the world, and numbed myself to every insistent desire to simply interact.I know what I want to do; I donrsquo;t know what Irsquo;ll do Sunday; I donrsquo;t know what Irsquo;ll do Wednesday; I donrsquo;t know if I can summon the strength to shake the mental cage.

Maybe Irsquo;ll think outside of the box... Shut myself out of my mind, my cage, and just DO IT.Close the door and be free.Irony, but of the sweetest kind.


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пятница, 17 октября 2008 г.

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For many do not consider the teeth as a part of the digestive system. If people chewed more, then less farts would occur and the stomach would have an easier time digesting food. I am an avid cook, you might say. And when a block of potato is placed into the pan with the extra virgin sizzling it, I can only imagine that such a process of cooking would resemble the process of digestion. It is essential, then, to increase the surface area of food as much as possible, let the saliva do its job, then swallow

But then, if we are talking about pieces of information which need to be comprehended, I ask this: should we chew or should we swallow whole? There have been times where I have read to gain superficial knowledge of the subject-- enough to speak about it over tea or dinner. However, after this charade was made, my interest in the subject dwindled and the knowledge was no longer there. Perhaps one could not even call it knowledge.

Then thereapos;s the other approach, where information is processed little by little-- incrementally digested over a span of months. When this happens, I seem to retain it better and can be used over conversations of dinner and can even be recalled by will. I opt for this approach to gathering information.

I was once spoiled by the thoughts of my own mind. That my mind, an infinite receptacle from which information can be stored and remembered, would simply "do all the work for me" and little effort on my part would have to be expended for such an absorbent piece of brain. However, I have humbled myself in thinking that though the mind is powerful, it will need help to remember and retain. And because of this, the means by which one learns will not only help the mind to remember, but will help the mind learn something in the significant matter.

I am torn that we are advocates of the following idiom: "If you donapos;t use it, you lose it." That way of thinking has bothered me and I think it is a cultural and subconscious setback. My opinion could be regarded as iconoclastic, but allow me to appeal to an Italian idiom for which I have lost the exact translation and therefore will paraphrase: "Always remember what you learn because you never know when youapos;re going to use it again." Itapos;s succinct structure as an idiom is obviously lost due to my translation to english and my poor memory of trying to recall it exactly, but you see, perhaps the Italians have a better cultural view on learning. They are allowed to amass it not for a specific purpose with a definite time, but they instead amass information as in "if and ever" manner. What I mean by this is that information is gathered in the the event that it must be used.

I feel a greater sense of urgency here because instead of committing oneself to learning something for a sepcific test, letapos;s say, one will learn something for the sake that it can be used in the future and an indefinite amount of times. Perhaps that is the difference and those who think in the former way, the ones who advocate the American mentality, may opt to switch. And switching can most likely prevent the vomiting of the brain, where the brain is purged of information after expelling it onto a test/midterm/final/job interview. The detachment from task-oriented knowledge must be converted to a necessary condition: to learn for the sake of learning; for the sake that it will be pertinent information down the line, regardless of the situation, and that it ought not be forgotten after itapos;s use.

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Im angry. I dont mind if people tell me straight up that they dont want to come to camp eternity because its not their " thing ", but to say that you have no time for it ? thats sucha boost. I have time to go to everything else. I have time to do this that .. �they dont have 3 days out of how many days to give God a chance ? thats so bull. Please do not use that excuse.

btw, ej isnt my participant but i helped evangelize him im happy. :)�hes taguiamapos;s �my brothers. So far i helped evangelize ( camp eternity ):�
  • ej
  • jessa
  • shalini
  • aj
im not done with my ... Um ... ? whats this ... POSSIBLE CAMP ETERNITY PARTICIPANTS :)�yay. Go mcgivney go meeeeee. Go camp eternity. I dont mind giving people participants/not putting my name on their forms.�im happy knowing that deep down i helped evangelize them.�:)��i need one more :D yay yay yay . I hope that um ..�i get one soon. Im pretty sure i will.


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Today has been hard work, the two boys that can be quite difficult and have been quite aggressive this week continued to be today, to the point i got in the way of one boyapos;s aggression and ended up being hit (i donapos;t think he meant to hit me, i just got in the way of his hands which sounds weird but i guess its hard to explain unless you saw it).� He apologised after about half an hour of rebelling against the idea of calming down and saying sorry.� Iapos;m hoping next week will be better as the boy that hit me was winding the other boy up which is why he ended up responding aggressively although i know he is equally capable of winding the other up.�

There was also another situation where a little girl showed signs of being quite distressed and unwell about an hour into the session and so we rang the parents, however it took them quite a long time to get to us and by that time the girl was even more distressed and without her inhaler or anything we had no way of helping her which was worrying because if it had been an emergancy we might not have got her her inhaler in time.�

One thing that really made my day today was that I�got to speak to Anthea on Skype and catch up which was so amazing as i really miss her and she only got internet in her room in Germany today.� We talked for nearly an hour but sadly the connection wasnapos;t very good and in the end it died i think as i tried ringing back and it couldnapos;t get through to her.� She sounded lonely, but i know she will settle in and has been getting to know other erasmus students slowly.� Sheapos;s doing her best.
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